Random Thoughts

The Road To Hell

2011-06-23T11:40:00.002-04:00

is paved with good intentions - or at least that's what my mom used to say. I'm hoping she was mistaken since I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to start blogging again on a fairly regular basis and here we are a few weeks later and I haven't posted anything since that first restart post. I'm not sure where the time goes some days.
I've been listening to a wide variety of books lately that have my mind filled with all sorts of thoughts, musings, and questions. As I was thinking about all about all different kinds of things yesterday, I felt like my mind was too full and that I desperately needed a pensieve like Albus Dumbledore had - for you fellow Harry Potter fans. For those of you who aren't, Dumbledore - the headmaster of the school and one of my favorite characters, has a stone basin where he can place some of his thoughts when his mind is too full. It gives him a chance to swirl them around and see things from a different perspective.

As I was thinking this morning, I realized that in many ways, this place can serve that same purpose and that it's just plain silly that I don't make better use of it.

So, here I am again, in the same place I was a few weeks ago. I need to write more often. I need to make time for it in my day - or at least in my week. Let's see if I make a better effort this time.

Praying that all of you have a day filled with love and grace. Sending big hugst o all of you!

The Road To Hell

2011-06-23T11:27:00.005-04:00

Blog Longings

2011-06-08T15:56:00.003-04:00

It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I've written here. Ever since the infamous JS crash, I've found it hard to blog consistenly. Some of that is just missing JS, the format and community. It has also not always been easier to adjust here at blogger. The site is not always friendly to my screen reader. I know, too, that the weekly Thursday night praise service I now lead consumes a great deal of the time I spend thinking/pondering/musing/meditating, etc. The opportunity to give a short ten or fifteen minute message each week has also fulfilled some of the need that blogging used to fill. For some reason though, over the past few weeks, I have had a strong urge to blog again. For my birthday in April, my wonderful friend gave me anIPad. The technology has been amazing to learn. The IPad comes standard with a voiceover option. Voiceover is a screen reader and while it is very different from the JAWS program I've been using since I lost my vision, is also very cool. I'm still learning how to get around the IPad, but as I get more comfortable on it, I thought I might try to write here. I stopped by yesterday and couldn't figure out how to write and have voiceover read to me. I finally gave up. Being incredibly stubborn by nature and hating to let any kind of machine get the best of me, I came back here today and somehow seem to have gotten it all to work.

I'm not sure where I'll go from here, but it's good to be back, even for a day. I have kept up with some of you through Facebook, but still really miss reading your blogs and keeping up with you.
Well, I'm off to check out a few of your recent entries. Praying that you are all having a marvelous day! Sending big hugs to all of you!

Baby Majic

2010-06-16T12:21:00.001-04:00

On Saturday, my wonderful friend and I were at his sister's house for a barbecue. Her son, two daughters, son-in-law, and 7-month old grandson were there. I hadn't seen her grandson since he was about two months old.

While I was standing in the kitchen, she asked me if I wanted to hold him. I'm never sure how parents feel about a blind woman holding their baby, but fortunately, no one seemed to mind. I held him and bounced him for a bit, feeling the wonder of holding a baby.

After a while, we moved to the family room floor where he sat up as we played with his blocks. I marveled at his attention span and "chatted" with him as he made all kinds of vocal noises.

Later on, as he was heading upstairs for a bath and to get ready for bed, his aunt brought him over to me so I could say good-bye. I took him in my arms and he buried his face in my neck and snuggled close. It was one of those moments I just wanted to last as I soaked it in.

There is something almost magical for me about babies and small children. I can't even describe what it feels like to hold a little person in my arms, to play with them and experience the wonder as they discover new things. I love to watch as they grow and develop and learn to express what they're thinking and feeling. Their joy in the very simple things of life is not only contagious, but a reminder as well never to lose that wonder no matter how old we are. It was a reminder I needed and I'm thankful to my young friend for giving it to me.

So today, I'm thankful for a chance to hang out with this charming young man. I'm grateful for all the people in my life who bring me great joy and I rejoice in being reminded that it really is the simple things of life that matter most.

Praying that you have the chance to experience some childlike joy today. May you be surrounded by people you love as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

Missing JS

2010-06-02T14:11:00.000-04:00

Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve been here. After all this time, I still miss Journalspace. It really was a one of a kind place for me. It was easy for me to navigate with my screen reader, but even more importantly, the sense of community was amazing. I spend some time on facebook and have reconnected with some of my JS friends there and am so thankful for that, but still miss so many others.

I miss blogging as well. I’ve been doing a contemporary worship service at a small local church for the past year and a half and absolutely love it. Unfortunately, much of my blogging thoughts are now directed toward giving a message/meditation every week. Maybe some day I’ll find a way to do both. As much as I enjoy speaking, I feel the urge to write stirring deep in my soul.

Life continues to move along. If any of my JS friends are out there and find this post, please know that I hold you all in my heart.

Praying that you have a day full of connecting with people you care about. May God pour out His love and grace on you! Sending big hugs to all of you.

Here we go . . . again

2009-05-19T11:36:00.000-04:00

This is a double post from my new site at http://inneedofgrace.keepconnectedlive.com
If my screen reader cooperates, I'll try nd double post here, but mostly I'll be over at KCL. Hope to see at least some of you there!

My journaling life has been in disarray since the infamous journalspace crash of December 2008. When I heard the news, after waiting for the site to come back up, that JS was no more, I scrambled, running to Live-journal, blogger, etc. I even started a journal on the new JS when it started. Getting used to new sites takes me a while since I have to use special screen reading software for my computer. I had trouble using some of the sites. I liked the blogger site, but my software didn’t. Getting on my journal there is hit or miss; sometimes I can log on and sometimes my software crashes my computer.

When I started Random Thoughts on the original JS site in January 2006, I had never journaled on-line before. I was totally unprepared for all the people I’d “met” there and how much I would grow to care for them. When JS went down, it wasn’t just writing I knew I’d miss, but all the friends I had there. I joined Facebook as a way to keep in touch with at least some of my on-line friends. I’ve also reconnected with some real-life friends and the experience over all has been a good one. It is not, though, the same as journaling. My random thoughts continue to swirl around my head with no place to plant themselves.

I tried a month ago or so to start a journal here at KeepConnectedLive but had some trouble registering with the visual verification. I intended to try again when someone sighted was home who could help me, but never got around to it. Last night, I had a few extra minutes and was finally able to register. I’m hoping that this site might feel a bit more like home. I’m hoping to find many JS refugees here. It already feels good to journal a bit again.

So, today I’m thankful for a chance to check out this site. I’m grateful that so far my software seems to be working here. I rejoice in the thought of finding some of my JS friends and reading their journals as well.

Praying that you have a chance to connect with someone you care about today. May you be filled with love and joy as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you – I’ve missed you!

Taking a second chance

2009-04-09T16:01:00.000-04:00

Shortly after the school year started in September my son told me that one of his friends had dropped out. This young woman has been a friend of my son’s since elementary school and I was saddened to hear the news. She was going to work and at some point, attend night school.

Five months have passed. For a while, it seemed as though she wasn’t around much. My son’s friends kind of hang around in a group that varies in size from two to about twenty. Occasionally my son would mention her, but nothing new seemed to be happening.

Over the weekend, he told me that she had decided to go back to school. She was sad that she wouldn’t be able to graduate with all her friends next year, but still wanted to go back. Yesterday started the fourth marking period and was her first day back. I was very glad when my son told me that he was picking her up and driving her to school so she didn’t have to get on the bus the first day. He came home yesterday after school and reported that she had a pretty good day.

She’s been in my thoughts and prayers over the last few days. I am so happy that she decided to go back to school. I’ve been concerned how difficult earning a living will be for her without a high school diploma. Even knowing she could get a GED at night school, I still was sorry that she would miss all the things that help shape a high school experience. I am delighted that she made this decision. It’s a second chance for her; a chance to start again and flourish. As she bravely re-enters school, my thoughts and prayers go with her.

So today, I am thankful for the decision this young woman has made. I rejoice that she took advantage of a second chance. I pray that the rest of her time in high school will be filled with learning, friends, teachers who care, and great success.

Praying that you have a chance to take a chance today. May you be surrounded by God’s love and grace as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

A blind woman and a car

2009-03-27T16:02:00.000-04:00

In 2000, while I was still sighted, I got a great deal on a 98 Mercury Sable. There was something about this car I just loved. It was comfortable, rode well, and was nice to drive. In October 2001, I lost most of my usable sight and was unable to drive. Even so, there was something comforting and encouraging about having my little silver car sitting in my driveway. Friends of mine drove the car occasionally to keep it running OK, but after a while, it just sat.

A few ears ago when my daughter was ready to get her permit, my wonderful friend took it to his mechanic and got it all ready to drive again. My daughter seemed to have the same love for the car that I did and drove it happily for a few years. My son, after many delays, got his license a few weeks ago and spent some time happily driving around in it.

When my daughter was home last week for spring break, the engine light came on and so we had a mechanic look at it. I was pretty sure it just needed a tune-up. Alas the news from the garage was bad – the car needed a head gasket, had an issue with a cylinder, plus a few other things and the mechanic suggested that we shouldn’t put another dime into the car.

I was heartbroken in a way I can’t even explain. Certainly the idea of having to find a decent, used car that I can afford is not a wonderful thought, but my sadness went beyond that. In some strange way, just having that car around and running and knowing that my kids were driving it made my driving days seem not so far away. I could remember driving that car and somehow having it near made not driving a little easier.

Now, we will own a car I haven’t ever driven – and may never be able to drive. When I think about it, I know it’s rather silly. Nothing’s really changed and yet, I feel a great sense of loss. Most days, I don’t even think about the fact that I’m unable to drive, but today I am very much aware of it.

If all goes well, we will find another car and before long, my son will be on the road again, happy to be driving around. Life will move forward and I will continue to count my blessings and remember how God has used this time of not seeing for so much good in my life. For today though, I mourn the loss of my beloved car and the freedom it once gave me. I can still remember driving to work in that car when I heard the news on the radio about the September 11 events. Even today, I can visualize turning left at a light and hearing the voice on the radio, full of tears announcing that a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers. I remember the feel of the seats as I sat there and the view from the windshield as I processed the news. I had no idea as that day unfolded that less than a month later; I would lose my sight and start a brand new adventure in my journey of life.

So today, I’m thankful for my little car and all the places it took me. I’m glad my kids both had a chance to drive it and I pray whatever car we buy will bring as many moments of joy and freedom.

Praying that you have a chance to enjoy a wonderful ride today. May you be surrounded by love as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

Still

2009-02-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

I started my day yesterday by reading a Psalm in Braille. Since I’m still in the process of learning Braille, this is sometimes quite a challenge. I often have to use context clues to figure out what a contraction I haven’t learned yet is. The psalm reminded me of the importance of being still – something I’ve learned only since I lost my vision.

The day moved on though and there were things to accomplish. By the afternoon, I was sitting at my computer, doing some research and trying to pull the details together for the Thursday night contemporary service I lead at a local church. Unfortunately, I felt dry and uninspired – which is not a wonderful thing when you have to deliver a ten minute message/meditation that you’d like to be relevant and meaningful. I did all the things that help inspire me – ran on the elliptical, listened to some music, prayed, etc, but I still felt flat.

I walked outside to check the weather. It was warm out and I could feel the sun was shining. I walked down the steps of my deck and stood in my backyard. Over the winter, I’ve been trying to get out in the sun more in an attempt to soak in a little more vitamin D and to ward off the winter blues, so I figured I might as well get some sun while I was out. I stood in the middle of the backyard and faced the sun. I closed my eyes and lifted my face. For just a minute I stopped thinking and moving and listened. In the quiet, I could hear my heart beating and feel my lungs expand. I heard the rustle of the breeze and the stereo sound of bird song from all corners of my yard. Each bird seemed to be singing a different tune and what should have been a sea of cacophony became instead a beautiful symphony. I felt the breeze caress my face and then I felt the warmth of the sun. I stood there, soaking it all in and was reminded again of the importance of being still. In the warmth of the sun, I was reminded of God’s love for me – not because of what I do, but just because I am.

I walked back into the house and back down to my computer. A friend of mine had posted a video to me on my Facebook wall while I had been outside. The song was one I’d never heard but interestingly enough was entitled “Still”. As I listened, I heard echoed back to me the words of the Psalm I had read that morning reminding me to be still and Know that God is God. I was suddenly moved to tears as I had the message reinforced for the third time that day. I get so caught up in doing the right thing, working to earn love that I forget sometimes just to be. We are, after all, human beings, not human doings. It was in the dark and quiet of the early days of my blindness that I found God’s love and presence in a brand new way. As I can do more and more, it is way too easy for me to forget that lesson.

So today, I’m thankful for the reminder to be still and experience God’s love. I am grateful that I have value whether I can do all things or not. I rejoice in the chance to experience the warmth of the sun and the song of the birds; to listen to my own heartbeat and to celebrate being alive and loved. Once again I realize I am blessed beyond my wildest imaginings.

Praying that you have a chance to be still, soak in the sun and have your heart join in the birdsong. May you sense God’s incredible love for you as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

Finding gold

2009-02-10T15:37:00.001-05:00

When I was born, my mom asked one of her dearest friends and her husband to be my godparents. They agreed and as I sit here 45 years later, I marvel at the impact that decision has had on my life.

My godparents had a daughter who was born one month before me. Since our mothers often spent time together, J and I wound up, at a very young age, sharing a playpen on numerous occasions. In a way, it’s almost like we became friends by default.

But, friends we did become and we experienced the joys and pains of growing up together. We had a bond that was very similar to the one our mothers had. As they years went on, there were times we talked often and times we didn’t and yet, no matter how long it had been, our conversations picked up almost where they had left off.

In many ways, our lives have taken different paths. I now live one town away from the town we grew up in while she has lived on both coasts and now resides in Georgia. I had an unhappy marriage that ended in divorce after ten years while she and her beautiful partner have just celebrated their 23rd anniversary. We both, I believe, are very happy with our lives and count ourselves as richly blessed.

She is, without a doubt one of my greatest treasures. I can’t even count the numbers of times I’ve thought about her only to open my email to find a message from her or the number of times I’ve sent her an “I’m thinking about you” message only to get an “I was just thinking about you” message back. Having a bond like this with an awesome life-long friend is an incredible blessing.

Last week, concerned about my safety and supporting my desire to live a healthy, active life, she sent me an incredible piece of equipment as a gift. She arranged to have it delivered and installed and to have someone walk me through using it. I was totally overwhelmed. As much as I love and appreciate the gift itself, it is the love with which it is given that brings me to tears. Every time I step on my new machine, I find myself thanking God for her and for her friendship and asking God to bless her richly and keep her in His care. Thank you, my dear, dear friend for your love and friendship. You mean more to me than you will ever know. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was no accident that put us in that playpen together. I love you!

So today, I’m thankful for this beautiful, kind, life-long friend. I’m grateful for all the joy she’s brought to my life, all the love we’ve shared, and for all I’ve learned by watching the grace with which she lives and loves. Once again I realize that I am blessed beyond my wildest imaginings.

Praying that you have a chance to celebrate an awesome friend today. May you sense God’s incredible love for you as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

On being still

2009-01-29T11:39:00.001-05:00

Some days, the world is a busy, noisy place. People bustle from one activity, one obligation to another. Traffic roars along busy streets and highways. TVs shout out fast-paced shows and stereos, IPODs, and Ihomes sing out an unbelievable assortment of music. Even in my own world where I rarely watch TV and can’t use an IPOD since I can’t see the screen, there is noise. The voice of a book on tape talks on and even my computer reads to me in its droning, mechanical voice.

In the middle of the noise, I keep finding people who are weighed down with worries and anxieties. I’ve talked to several people who have businesses that are suffering in these hard economic times. Most budgets – my own included – are stretched almost as thin as they can go. Many folks are struggling with varying degrees of depression in these days of financial unease and not enough sunlight.

My mind is drawn again to Psalm 131 which is one of the Scriptures I’m using at the service tonight. “But I have calmed and quieted my soul like a weaned child against its mother’s breast. Like a weaned child against its mother’s breast is my soul within me. I absolutely love this image. There is something almost magical about holding a small child on your lap and having him/her lean against your chest and either be still or drop off to sleep. So many days, when my own kids were small, I would sit there, not moving them into their cribs, but choosing to hold them while they slept. Completely relaxed and totally trusting me to keep them safe, they breathed deeply and seemed not to have a care in the world.

Through this Psalm, I am invited to experience this same rest and peace. Like that sleeping child, my soul leans upon the chest of God and is still. I am encouraged to stay there for as long as I want, whether that’s a few minutes or hours.

One of the things I learned early on in my vision loss was how to be still. It sounds strange, but for most of my life I’ve rushed around doing things. In those early days of not seeing, I was unable to do what I was used to doing and found myself with long hours alone with nothing to do. At first this enforced silence and inactivity made me feel useless, but as the days went on, I discovered something wonderful. In the stillness, I found God in a brand new way and found myself soaking in His presence. As I did that, I found Him reminding me that I didn’t have value just because of what I could do, but that I had value simply because I was. In those quiet moments, I realized that for years I had been trying to earn God’s love by doing all these things and here He was, loving me just because I am. It was important; it began to dawn on me, not just to “do”, but to “be”.

As the years have gone on and I am able to do more things, it is easy for me to forget that lesson. Lately I’ve felt God calling me back to a greater sense of being. I find myself longing to sit in His presence and soak up His love and grace and find my soul strengthened as I face the tasks ahead of me. In those quiet moments I find peace for my struggles, hope for my fearful heart, and strength and energy for the journey before me. My soul is fed and my faith renewed. May I not let the noise and busyness of life cause me to forget the importance of a few minutes of stillness and being.

So today I’m thankful for the chance just to be. I’m grateful that God invites me to sit and soak Him in and that He showers me with His love and grace which are more than enough for all I need.

Praying that you have a few moments of peace today. May you have a chance to soak in God’s love and grace as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

Prayer Request

2009-01-26T13:44:00.000-05:00

I am having a terrible time on both the new journalspace and blogger. For some reason, my screen reader isn’t working great with either site – my computer keeps crashing when I sign in to blogger. I miss reading what’s going on in your lives.

I’m hoping this will post because I have a prayer request. My wonderful friend’s dad – who is 85, went into the hospital last night with an irregular heartbeat. For the moment he’s doing well and they’re giving him medication to get it under control. If the medication doesn’t work – it will take a few days – they will have to do a procedure that will require anesthesia which is a concern because of his age. I would really appreciate your prayers. If you don’t pray any good thoughts and energy you can send his way would be wonderful. He is an awesome guy and I can’t even express how much I care about him.

So today I’m thankful for my wonderful friend’s dad and the gift he’s been to me. I pray that God will hold him close and help his heartbeat get under control.

Praying that you have a day filled with people you care about. May you sense God’s awesome love and grace as you do. Sending extra hugs to all of you.

On computer viruses and bad attitudes

2009-01-19T13:37:00.000-05:00

I’m more than ready for a new week. Last week was one of those weeks that seemed to go from bad to worse. There are a couple of situations in my extended family that are a great concern to me and there seems to be nothing I can do. It’s hard some days to watch from the sidelines when you don’t really like the way the game is played.

I also had one of those moments when a few casual comments made by someone I care aboutcaused me to do a bit of self-examination and perspective checking. Usually, that’s a good thing for me, but for some reason, this time it threw me into a bit of an emotional tizzy. In the middle of all that, my computer picked up some nasty malware and wouldn’t let me connect to the internet. With the help of my anti-virus software and spybot checker, I thought I fixed the problem. I signed on to my email with no problem. I could access AIM as well. I felt pretty positive and clicked on Internet Explorer only to have nothing happen. Then, my email shut down and I could only access AIM. As you all well know, computer problems are incredibly frustrating. Since I am unable to drive and can’t do much more than walk around my neighborhood a little with my white cane, the internet is my daytime connection to the outside world. I even do much of my Bible reading and preparation for the Thursday night service on the internet.

Fortunately, my wonderful friend/IT guy was able to run a few scans with some special IT guy software and get rid of the nasty stuff infecting my computer. It’s so good to be back online.

As yesterday unfolded, even though my beloved Eagles lost to the Cardinals in the NFC Championship game, I found myself feeling better. I was able to do some healthier self-reflection and was reminded by the God who loves me more than I can imagine that I am a work in progress. He doesn’t wait for me to pull myself together and do it all right – as well as have all the right emotional reactions – but He reaches down to lift me up into His embrace and showers me with His love and grace which are more than enough for all I need.

So today I’m thankful for a return to the internet and a chance to do some self examination. I’m grateful for my wonderful friend and all the ways he makes my life easier. I rejoice that even a bad week can be a place to bask in God’s grace and love. To Him be all the glory.

Praying that you have a chance to soak in some love and grace today. May you sense God’s presence with you as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

New challenges for a new year

2009-01-08T12:52:00.000-05:00

As December started, I began to form some personal goals. I planned to take a step further in my desire to eat healthier and exercise more. I hoped as well to use my time more wisely as well as leaving time every day for thinking, praying, meditating, and just being.

There is a saying that people plan and God laughs. I have known a bit of God long enough to know that there is some truth to this saying. So often, He has different plans for me than I have for myself. Just as I am determined to use my time more efficiently, I find that my beloved JS journal disappeared as well as the community of friends I made there. I considered the possibility of not journalling on line any more, but I found I needed to have a journal. Even more importantly, I had to find a way to reconnect with the people who have become so important to me. I dusted off this journal and visited Dorrie's forum - what would we do without Dorrie??? I posted my new link and some of my favorite friends started to find me. I joined facebook as well as a way to find even more people.

Since I am seriously visually impaired, I can't use a computer without special software. This software - called JAWS - is a God send to me. It isn't perfect though and moving around new websites can be tricky for me. Facebook is quite a challenge for me and for some reason my software moves rather slowly there. I find myself spending a lot of time trying to get familiar with the site - as well as this one. Suddenly I find I need even more time on the computer and I wonder about my new year's goals.

As I think about it though, I realize that much of this time spent learning these sites so eventually I can move around these pages as easily as I could at JS is time spent wisely. The way our JS community has reached out to one another has proven that it was much more than a blogging site and that the friendships started there are incredibly valuable. It just reinforces what I've learned in the course of my life. The best investments we make are the ones we make in the lives and hearts of other people. It's a treasure that no stock market uneassiness can ever take away.

So today I'm grateful for the technology that allows me to use the internet - even when it's painfully slow - and meet so many wonderful people. I'm grateful for all of you who have shined your light into my life, shared your stories with me, and found a place in my heart. I have a feeling that through our relocation, there are brand new friends - other JS refugees to meet.

Praying that your day is filled with warm thoughts of people who are important to you. May you sense God's incredible love for you. Sending big hugs to all of you.

Mourning the loss of journalspace

2009-01-03T11:51:00.000-05:00

Here I am, a coupld of days after the news that journalspace - and my beloved Random Thhougths are no more. I know I saved my journal a few months ago but am having a hard time finding it. I can't believe that all my recent entries as well as my friends and favorites are gone.
I joined JS on a whim almost three years ago with no expectations or any idea of what an online journal was. I have met so many wonderful people and wish now, that I had gotten more email addresses, etc. I've been to Westy's forum which is wonderful, but I have a bit of trouble manuevering around with my screen reading software. I guess I'll use this blog for now as I figure out what I want to do. I did join facebook, but I'm not sure it's going to be screenreader friendly and I'm not at all sure what to do there. I think there are several JS networks, but I'm not sure how to find them.

Life after JS does go on though and I'm hoping to stay connected to at least some of the people I've met there and find a few others.

So today, I'm thankful for almost three years at journalspace and the chance to write my Random Thoughts and meet so many wonderful people. I'm grateful for Dylan and the folks who made that home for me for so long and wish them Godspeed in their new adventures. I pray as well that this will be a good new home for me - and my thoughts.

Praying that you have a chance to connect with the folks you care about today. May you sense God's great love for you as you do. Sending big hugs to all of you.

Saying hi

2008-12-29T12:31:00.000-05:00

Journalspace is still down and I came over here to visit SouthernCharm's blog and realized I had a blog here as well. If any of my JS friends and favs are out there, I just wanted to say a quick hi and wish you all a very happy new year! I miss you guys.
Big hugs to all of you.

Checking it out

2007-05-29T18:57:00.000-04:00

Just a quick entry to check this site out. Not sure how it's all going to work.